"My name is Shyster D. Pettifogger and I am a candidate for the United States Senate--from the great State of ANXIETY!......

"I run on a platform as weak and as creaky as the back porch of a shot-gun  house in lower Mississippi. I have no viable or permanent views on ANYTHING......

"Just call me a 'shape-shifter'. Whichever side is winning--that's MY side.  And I AM a staunch advocate of amendments. I will 'AMEND' my beliefs to fit  ANY occasion. I have no shame in this...it has always helped me get elected  in the past.......

"I eat pig-feet & grits at NAACP rallies....bagel & lox at Jewish bar mitzvahs....rice & beans at Spanish weddings.....and pizza at Italian dances.  I would sell ice cubes to an Eskimo--if I thought it would help me, come November.....

"It don't bother me, none. All I care about is getting elected. Shoot!  I ain't gon' do nothing for none of them, ANYWAY--once I get to Washington.  And I will make it a point to be on vacation or away from my desk if anyone  comes to my office to complain......

"I will CHALLENGE any individual who says they can find one helpful thing I  did in an non-election year! I will DEBATE any fool who can say I did  anything where there wasn't something in it for ME! Hmm!... It's hard to  make it--just on my salary alone. I'm high-maintenance.......

"I've had my hand under more tables than a busboy at an  all-you-can-eat  buffet......

"Oh yeah, back to my agenda...I promise I will sit in my seat for the full  duration of my term and accomplish ZILCH! This, you can have faith in. My  word is my bond--the better to bind YOU with.......

"I will cut taxes--for ME and my fellow senators--and raise yours. I will  NOT let you down. I won't lift you up, either--but that's another story.......

"I will use my office as a 'bully-pulpit'--to bully YOU into accepting ALL my demands........

"I will cut 'pork-barrel' spending. You won't be able to afford a 'HAM-HOCK' when I'm through cutting back programs that benefit the underclass....

"I promise to house the homeless--in JAILS. They're making us politicians  look bad....coming in here asking for 'affordable' housing and such. What's  wrong with the projects?.....

"You see, I want to GROW the economy. And you can't do that by giving  hand-outs to 'special interest' groups like: orphans, nuns, disabled veterans, the elderly, and handicapped individuals......

"I believe in affirmative action--for DISADVANTAGED millionaires. We  harp on about the underclass--but what about the OVER-CLASS? SOMEBODY has to look out for them. And the 'BUCK' stops here.....

"I detest 'BIG' government. The LESS that I do for you, the better....So, I  will reduce federal spending on welfare, mental health, student loans, and  head start programs......

"The only 'PLANKS' I will push for will be the ones that I make YOU walk..... 

"I want a PARTY that is 'all-inclusive'. That's right, we will have only the  finest food--like ice cream and cake--plus, booze. We'll play neat games  like 'pin the tail on the donkey', and I'll make sure we hire a good dee-jay--and it will only cost you $5000 a PLATE to get in........

"I shall be known as the 'CARNIVAL' candidate--because your head will be spinning like a roller-coaster ride when I'm through with you....

"And you can disregard that extra two million dollar surplus I had in last  year's budget. I made sure it got to the people who needed it most: ME and  my family. We've out-grown our OLD mansion.....

"Now, are there any questions? Yes, you, there in the back.  What do you want to know?......'Why was I seen entering a BORDELLO with a strawberry blonde?'...

"THAT'S ALL FOR NOW! And remember, 'A vote for me--is a vote made in 'FUTILITY'! See you, come election time!...."